Category Archives: Waiting

Third Day Post-Op

Today is Monday, three days out from surgery.

First, a couple of details from my surgery that I haven’t recorded yet.  My parathyroid glands on that side did great, according to Dr. B.  So that’s a definite positive. Also, the “other” nodule, the one that initially was more scary on ultrasound but came back with a benign FNA still looked benign on frozen section.  Of course, I still want to see the report on it, but I am not worried about it at all.

We are still nursing in the morning.  I’m kind of glad I can provide that kind of continuity for Eleanor during this time.  Bless her heart, it’s hard when Mommy has a big boo boo on her neck and can’t pick you up.  We’ll get that last feeding gone sometime.

One thing I didn’t think through before surgery was making sure I had enough scoop-neck and v-neck t-shirts to wear for the first little while.  Down the road, I am going to be glad my scar is low enough for a regular t-shirt to cover it, but right now having something against it doesn’t feel great.

My incision is looking a little more gnarly today–more bruising etc.  But still not bad. Check it out:

IMAG1120

Also, I am not having much pain at all today. Really, my pain has not been bad from the beginning.  But I have still been feeling sort of crummy and tired.  Ever since I got home, I’ve felt like I might have a little fever.  Today I finally checked it, and it was 99.3.  Not too high, but enough to make me feel punk.  My discharge instructions say to call if I have fever over 100.4.  So I’m not too worried about it, but will keep an eye on it.

I’m also faithfully taking my antibiotic, even though I wasn’t originally sure that I would.  Dr. B, when he saw me the morning after surgery, said that it was mostly precautionary since they wouldn’t be watching me in the hospital. But that first day home, when I first started feeling a little hot, I decided to go ahead and take it.

I have been coughing some (not super comfortable, but normal, from what I’ve read), and my throat feels a bit more “gunky” on the inside today.  So I’m now sucking on On Guard throat drops.

One question I’ve had is whether I will be up to teaching my childbirth class tomorrow night.  Part of me says that I don’t feel that bad and not to be a wimp, but my rational brain is telling me that I’m still mostly affixed to the couch and don’t need to push it.  I just dread trying to make the class up.  Maybe by Friday I will be feeling better?

My follow up appointment is scheduled for Friday morning.  The old me, pre-surgery, would not have been content to just wait until my appointment to find out what my pathology report said if there was any way to know earlier.  The new, just-trying-to-get-over-this-surgery-and-a-little-scared-I-might-need-another-one me, is going to wait.  If I need to know before Friday, say, because we need to schedule a completion thyroidectomy, I am confident that Dr. B will contact me.

About that.  I am ashamed to say that I am having a hard time praying right now.  Is my faith really that wimpy?  I think I am a  scared to pray very hard that my lump is not cancer because I don’t know if God will spare me this, and it’s hard to be disappointed that way.  I  KNOW he knows what’s best and what will work out for my ultimate good.  I know he can use whatever Satan throws at me to refine and shape me into the person he wants me to be.  I just really don’t want to have Hurthle cell cancer!  “Let this cup pass from me!” I want to say.  I should say it.  I’m just afraid His answer might not be what I want it to be.

That’s not to say that I haven’t been praying at all.  I just haven’t been doing the kind of serious intervention type prayers I normally do when there is something big going on.  May He have mercy on me in my weakness and give me the strength to turn to Him the way I need to.

The really, really good news is that I know there are a lot of people praying for me right now.  Obviously, that doesn’t mean that I don’t need to pray too, but it’s very wonderful and comforting to know.  Also amazing and comforting is the meal list that Mrs. D put together for us…we will be getting meals EVERY NIGHT for the next 10 days.  I think it’s way more than we will need, but I am SOOOO thankful.  It will make things so much easier on Rusty.

My dear friend R is coming in tonight on her whirlwind visit from Brazil.  She and her kiddos will only be here in the evenings, so we decided not to cancel her stay after my surgery was scheduled right before her visit.  She generally uses us as a hotel while she visits with her in-laws in a nearby city, getting in two visits at once.  She called me to let me know that her husband’s grandmother, who has been sick for a long time, passed away this morning.  So she will likely be here another day or two beyond what she originally thought.  I am sad that they have this loss to face, but glad that I will get a little more time with her.

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Note to self:

You can read and re-read all the journal articles about what percentages of Hurthle Cell Lesions are cancerous and what percentage are not.  You can memorize all the factors that predict whether a HCL/N is cancerous or not.  But NONE OF THAT can tell you whether your particular lump is malignant or not.  Only surgery and a good pathologist can make that determination.  YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT TO FIND OUT. STARING AT SCHOLARLY WRITE-UPS ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN IS JUST GOING TO GIVE YOU A CRICK.  SO GO TO BED ALREADY.

One Week Obsession Remission…is over

So I have been in obsession remission for several days, and it’s been pleasant. I have been calm. I still feel fairly calm, but I can feel my obsessive tendencies creeping back up on me as my follow up appointment approaches. (T minus 6 days.)

I have a lot on my mind. I have read that when a partial thyroidectomy is indicated, but there are multiple nodules on the other side, the surgeon will often recommend doing a total thyroidectomy (TT). So I am thinking about this. Dr. B’s email did indicate this might be a possible course. Here’s the breakdown: I will be VERY unhappy if I have my whole thyroid out and they do all their dissections and pathology and find there is no cancer in there anywhere.

On the flip side, I don’t love the idea of having half out and then having to have the rest out in a second surgery. Also, I am not happy with the thought of totally ignoring all the nodules (how many are there, anyway?) on the left side. So here’s my thinking. Can we do FNA (Fine Needle Aspiration–what I had done on the other nodules) on at least the largest and/or most suspicious on the left side before surgery? ‘Cause that might make our course more clear. And if I only end up having half out, I’m still gonna be wondering about the lumps in that other side.

{Side note: Silas is practicing his memory verse, “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in you…” Such good advice!}

Ok, so here’s something else: Am I going to be able to teach my childbirth class that starts next week? If (When?) I have surgery, how long will it take me to recover? This class has very little wiggle room built in because of the couple’s due date. Funny how I was really wishing for more couples to sign up; now I am kind of glad it’s just the one. So should I contact them now and give them a heads-up about the possibility of having to alter or cancel the class? Or should I wait until after my appointment when I have more info—which will be the same day as the scheduled first class. That’s one of the things I’ve allowed myself to look at online…what to expect after surgery. Looks like I may need to borrow a recliner. Recovery time seems variable, but for most at least one week before working again. Of course, I don’t have any idea how soon he will schedule surgery. If he plans it for mid-July, I have nothing to worry about–except that my recovery will run into book rush time.

Would it be really terrible to ask Aunt Sharon to come help me, like she did after Eleanor was born? I feel like I might need some assistance. One of those times I miss Mom, for SO many reasons.

Also, what about lymph nodes? Has anyone looked at these on ultrasound? Will Dr. B be on the lookout for funky looking lymph nodes in surgery?

Weaning. Is going to be. Really. Hard. I need to start…..tonight. May the Lord help me. I just don’t want things to be too difficult on Rusty if I am unable to help with bedtime for a few days after surgery. And if I do somehow end up needing RAI, I really, really need to have my breasts ready for that by being empty of milk.

And at the extreme end of my hysteria is this: I have a very faint sensation of having a lump in my throat. Has it been there for a while, and I notice it now because I know there’s an actual lump there? Or is my lump growing and starting to press on my windpipe? Or is it just in my mind because I am feeling paranoid? You won’t tell anyone how completely insane I’m becoming, will you?

Plans, Questions

I got Eleanor a CD player for her room today, step 1 in my weaning plan. I’ll work on that…sometime soon. :) I have two different things to try. One is a “Toddler Sleepy Time” Hypnobabies track. The other is just plain, old-fashioned lullabies.

I found out today that M, a friend of mine,has been diagnosed with melanoma and is going to have some kind of surgery related to that. Yet another reminder that I am not the only one with trouble in my life.

I called today and got my follow-up appointment changed to Tuesday, May 7th. That way, I don’t have to wait as long (yay!) and Rusty will be able to go with me. I want him there since we will be talking about surgical stuff.

I looked up oils that are supposed to be good for Hashimoto’s. Looks like lemongrass is #1, and also myrrh and frankincense. So I made myself up a little blend. I am starting to like this blending thing. I think it’s so interesting that I have been so drawn to lemongrass already—I was just telling K the other day that it was one of my favorites. There are many people who think that our noses will usually lead us to what we need most.

I’ve also been thinking about what else I can do to decrease the inflammation in my body. Of course, the number one thing probably needs to be cutting out sugar. *sigh* I am NO good at that. But I have known for a long time that I needed to do it. I am able to do it for a while, and then I fall off the wagon and find it SO hard to get back on. But this is now not just a matter of diabetes prevention (which should be enough), but also taking care of my thyroid. Especially if I’m only going to have half of one.

One thing I really don’t want to think about is Hurthle Cell Carcinoma. It was easier to contemplate Papillary Carcinoma cheerfully because it seemed SO curable—more like something that would change my summer than something that would change my life. Having HCC is more like having…cancer. It is harder to treat, usually resistant to RAI, and tends to metastasize to places like bone, lung, and “central nervous system.” Yuck. The good news is that it seems much more common in people older than me (and more aggressive for them, too). I hope it is just a bunch of Hurthle cells hanging out in my thyroid, just for fun. They are more the Rook-playing, movie watching crowd than the kind who go out knocking down mailboxes with baseball bats and forking people’s yards.

So should I ask Dr. B for my complete report? I feel like I already know what I need to. I think I would obsess more over the details. And STILL I am tempted to ask. But I am not going to, at least not until my appointment. I am working on my list of questions, though:
1—Which nodule had which diagnosis?
2—Where will the excised half of my thyroid be dissected and analyzed?
3—Why didn’t we biopsy at least the largest nodule in the left side of my thyroid? Should we do that before surgery, in case it turns out that I really do need to have my left lobe removed too?
4—If I need RAI, do they do that at our local hospital?
5—How long is recovery from surgery?
More questions to follow, I am sure.

“Either way, you will be fine.”

11:45 am
They’re cutting down the Toomer’s Corner Oaks today. One of them (the one on the left) looks like it’s already down. Watching on and off on the webcam. Wondering if there will be something else to mark this day as significant for me.

I am fighting edginess today. Have yelled at the kids several times. Thank you Lord for Clary Sage. I am really, really, really trying to Remain Calm. I also need to get my head around the possibility that I may not hear anything today, even though today is when the news is “due.” I will not die from waiting.

6:30 pm
Biopsy results are back.   I sent Dr. B an email this morning, and he answered me this afternoon.

One of the nodules tested as benign with inflammatory cells, which Dr. B says is consistent with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis.

The other nodule was a  “Hurthle Cell Lesion.” This can be because of Hashimoto’s. It is probably not cancer but since there is still a small chance it is, they usually recommend “surgical excision.”  He says we need to talk about whether to remove part or all of the gland.

“Either way, you will be fine,” he said.  I appreciate his reassuring words.  He laid out the facts, but isn’t lacking the human factor to go along with them.

Pretty Hi-larious how far off I was in my latest theory! Should teach me not to speculate. But of course I have already started looking at Hashimoto’s and Hurthle Cells on the internet. Really haven’t found much to tell me any more than Dr. B’s email. And I still have to WAIT! :) It’s probably good for me.

So I still don’t have a yes/no answer on cancer, and I will probably need surgery this summer. Some good news, for me, is that Rusty can go to Utah on his business trip this weekend without the stress of leaving behind a cancer-diagnosed wife at home.

So should I go ahead and start to wean Eleanor anyway, knowing that I will probably at least need surgery? I think I will.

Questions, Confessions, Speculations

8:10 am
Question: How can I keep myself from being on edge ALL DAY, waiting for a call, even though I know I probably won’t hear until tomorrow? (or later?)

Question: Why didn’t he biopsy the lump in my left lobe?

Question: If I get a call from his office while Rusty is at work, and they tell me I have cancer, should I call Rusty at work to tell him that?

6:10 pm
I hate waiting.

Question: Since the local hospital appears to not have a nuclear medicine department, where would I go for RAI if I needed it? I could call and ask S, a friend who has had RAI for an over-active thyroid, but I haven’t talked with her about my thyroid issues yet, and I don’t want to be a self-indulgent, attention-grabbing drama queen.

I even braved the patient website, to see if my test results showed up there, even though I told myself I do NOT want to find out I have cancer that way.

Time to go make some supper. Quiche, anyone? The hens are really laying right now.

8:27 pm
Confession: I have been scouring the internet for images of thyroid nodules that “match” what I remember. I’m back to thinking I have cancer. Current theory is that the lump in the front is actually a (pretracheal?) lymph node with metastasis from the “unfriendly” nodule. Except that I can’t seem to find whether pretracheal lymph nodes move when you swallow. I will be SO glad when all my speculating can be over with.

Just because all the bloggers have cancer, it doesn’t mean you do, too.

It’s funny. I am mentally moving away from assuming that I have cancer. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I have assumed that I do, and I think it’s because I have read several stories—both in book and blog form—of people who even after their biopsy were not really worried, because they knew that only 5% of lumps are cancerous. And then they turned out to have cancer. There need to be some stories—lots more stories—of the scenario that happens far more often—that people get their biopsy results back and find out that the lump or lumps are benign. But that story line isn’t dramatic enough to blog or write a memoir about, so it isn’t really out there. Maybe if my biopsy comes back negative for cancer, I can help fill that need.