One day closer to follow-up

I still have not started weaning Eleanor. Oy. I dread the tears, the sadness. Must start tonight.

I am combating “irrational” anxiety/irritability today. Using my oils. Peaceful Child, Clary Sage. They are helping. I don’t know why this happens every time I approach an appointment or the due date for test results—although from reading other people’s stories, it is pretty normal (although I hate to think of feeling like this for the next four days). Still, I want to have better control of my emotions. Especially since I am working on Silas so much to help him control his emotions. He is very volatile these days. I think he’s turning into a teenager. Double Oy.

I emailed my childbirth class student about our class that is to start on Tuesday night and gave her a heads-up that I will probably be having surgery in the next few weeks.

For some reason Elliot has cut a chunk out of the front of his hair. Now that he’s seven.  Isn’t that kind of thing usually reserved for toddlers?  (Don’t get any ideas, Eleanor!) I never know what that child is going to do. Time for summer buzz cuts.

Ok, I am going to say this, because I think it will help me to get it out. Here are the two things I feel like I cannot deal with: 1—having really bad cancer—anaplastic, or bad metastases—where it looks like I won’t live long. I feel like I cannot leave my children motherless. And 2—having my whole thyroid taken out and finding out that there was no cancer in it after all, and I would be dependent upon a daily medication for the rest of my life for nothing. Either one of those situations would make me FURIOUS. I feel like anything else is manageable. Even metastatic cancer that is controllable for the next few years, I think I could deal with. May God have mercy on me and protect me from those “worst-case” scenarios.

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